My dad always used to say that he thought I had a hard time making decisions because when you say 'yes' to something, you are saying 'no' to other things, and I liked all my options open.
He said it in an endearing, 'my daughter has so many talents that she can't decide what to do with herself' kind of way, but I took it to heart, and for a long time I thought that there was something wrong with me, a decisiveness button missing, a manufacturer error.
And then it dawned on me: I didn't have a decisiveness problem, I was misinformed about certainty!
Here is what I mean: Somewhere along the way, I learned that there is a right way and a wrong way to go in life at every crossroad, and so when I felt all the shades of gray of my experience-excitement, fear, passion, reticence, lack of clarity- when faced with my next move, I doubted myself, thinking that everyone else 'knew' something I didn't, had razor-sharp clarity instead of the messiness, the push and pull, that I was feeling.
And because I thought it was a problem that I didn't have this black and white certainty, I tried to manufacture it, prematurely making what I thought was the decision I 'should' make.
Often, I would then freak out and change my mind, and sometimes freak out again, and change my mind, and again, and sometimes again, eventually exhausting myself and landing somewhere. I did it with locations to live, jobs, relationships, and even much smaller decisions.
And so, whereas it seemed that I was a slow and 'shifty' decision maker, in reality, I didn't trust my experience and my timing, and so I made decisions too quickly.
I'm thinking about this because just last week I had the opportunity to make some career-related decisions. I was invited to teach another graduate course and to collaborate on a project in the fall. My initial reaction was to get that freaked out, 'I must know right now, what is wrong with me' feeling? and I blurted out 'Yes', even though it didn't feel authentic. That was the old pattern, and with it came the old 'I'm not okay' gremlins (in 'Brene Brown's words). What was different is that I saw myself doing it, and instead of completely burrowing into myself, I talked about it with people I trust. I then wrote a couple emails, letting folks know where I was at with it, and asking for a little more time to sit with the decision, perhaps even talk it out with them, so that I could make a committed, whole-hearted 'yes' or else turn it down. Ultimately, I chose to say 'no' to both as a way to commit all my energy to Encounters in Motion and to projects in which I can teach and share more directly the work that I am passionate about. And the awesome thing? I didn't burn any bridges with these people by being honest! Even though it felt a bit messy, I actually made a greater connection with one of them. I also learned that every time we say 'no' to something, we are also making room for the right 'yeses' (in fact, new opportunities are already emerging...!)
What is your process with decision-making? How do you check in with yourself to find out which decision is right for you? Do you have any judgments that arise about yourself around decision-making? Who gets to see and support you while you're feeling uncertain and sorting it out? What might it be like to accept that messy place in the middle and be seen in it, as you wait for the dust to settle into more clarity?
I would love to hear your thoughts!